No sooner does my puppy come home than I should start to miss those clippets of solitude. He's sick, no doubt a response to the drug's effect, and I am here to look after him and tell him to move out at the same time. I'm looking towards finding somewhere by September, assuming that all goes to plan. It won't, but who cares..?
I spent a few hours getting everyone fed this evening, and of course he'd fallen asleep. Yeah, he needs to rest. I'm not pissed off about working over the stove in the sun. Ugh.
Anywho.. at least the tension has disspiated for a while. I can sleep again. I can eat. It's all good.
All wine and no play makes Khloe a bitch fucker.
Sunday 23 May 2010
Friday 21 May 2010
Ungh
I finally fell asleep around 2 A.M.
I woke up at :
2.33
3.46
5.27
7.00
And then I gave up. I can't eat, I can't sleep and my mouth tastes of guilt. I'd love it if there was something else to fill my head with other than - 'What the hell have I done?'. But there isn't.
The house smells of cigarettes and sunshine.
I left open facebook and msn, but the checking has become obsessive. I don't know how to fix this mess.
I woke up at :
2.33
3.46
5.27
7.00
And then I gave up. I can't eat, I can't sleep and my mouth tastes of guilt. I'd love it if there was something else to fill my head with other than - 'What the hell have I done?'. But there isn't.
The house smells of cigarettes and sunshine.
I left open facebook and msn, but the checking has become obsessive. I don't know how to fix this mess.
Thursday 20 May 2010
The seconds feel like hours
I wish I knew what I had said that hurt Mike so much. What vile twisted headfuck thing did I come out with after all that vodka...? :(
He's only been gone one night and I just keep crying, some part of me thinks he might be gone forever this time.
Please don't. Please don't leave me.
What if I have another nightmare? Where will my puppy be?
How am I supposed to sleep?
Who's hands are going to touch you while mine go cold?
Why the fuck does this hurt so much?
I feel so awful. What did I do to you, baby?
>_> STOP CRYING WOMAN. Ok.. no, it's not gettnig better. Worse. Worse. Worse.
How can I hurt so badly the only thing I love... How dare I.
He's only been gone one night and I just keep crying, some part of me thinks he might be gone forever this time.
Please don't. Please don't leave me.
What if I have another nightmare? Where will my puppy be?
How am I supposed to sleep?
Who's hands are going to touch you while mine go cold?
Why the fuck does this hurt so much?
I feel so awful. What did I do to you, baby?
>_> STOP CRYING WOMAN. Ok.. no, it's not gettnig better. Worse. Worse. Worse.
How can I hurt so badly the only thing I love... How dare I.
Saturday 15 May 2010
Itty Bitty Footnotes
So, I'm writing this in tiny text.
Right now, the internalised converations (i.e that which is within my head) have become external. I hate how I keep tracking my progress as if I could psychoanalyse myself, and in any lesser extent prescribe and demand.
This morning, I had the worst nightmare I have had since I was 15.
I was fighting men at the foot of my stairs, the lights were on upstairs but it was dark in the basement. The first round of guys were easy. The second too.
The third were asian and had big red BMXs, they tried to break open my skull with the frame and one caught me half way down the stairs and strangled me with the bike chain. I fought them off with the other BMX when they did that and they spilled down into a pile by the wardrobe.
Then came number 4. Time for WAVE FOUR. He was fat, squat and lank, sick with the stench of malificence. We fought CQC for a while, but I knew he was toying with me. I was his game. He was my nemesis. We drank in the predictability of our thoughts and letters andhe tore me apart, ripping out threads of hair. Then, he tipped me upside down and dug his nails into my ass, growling "You little fucking slut, still loose from last time eh?", before shoving himself inside me.
I woke up. I wanted to scream, and I did. More than that, I wanted to cry, but it didn't hurt where it should. In my nightmare, I felt every rip, tear and forcible entry into every orifice. When I woke up, I was almost numb. That was worse than the physical pain.
I don't want to wake up to the feeling of anal rape any more.
KTHXBAI
Right now, the internalised converations (i.e that which is within my head) have become external. I hate how I keep tracking my progress as if I could psychoanalyse myself, and in any lesser extent prescribe and demand.
This morning, I had the worst nightmare I have had since I was 15.
I was fighting men at the foot of my stairs, the lights were on upstairs but it was dark in the basement. The first round of guys were easy. The second too.
The third were asian and had big red BMXs, they tried to break open my skull with the frame and one caught me half way down the stairs and strangled me with the bike chain. I fought them off with the other BMX when they did that and they spilled down into a pile by the wardrobe.
Then came number 4. Time for WAVE FOUR. He was fat, squat and lank, sick with the stench of malificence. We fought CQC for a while, but I knew he was toying with me. I was his game. He was my nemesis. We drank in the predictability of our thoughts and letters andhe tore me apart, ripping out threads of hair. Then, he tipped me upside down and dug his nails into my ass, growling "You little fucking slut, still loose from last time eh?", before shoving himself inside me.
I woke up. I wanted to scream, and I did. More than that, I wanted to cry, but it didn't hurt where it should. In my nightmare, I felt every rip, tear and forcible entry into every orifice. When I woke up, I was almost numb. That was worse than the physical pain.
I don't want to wake up to the feeling of anal rape any more.
KTHXBAI
Saturday 8 May 2010
The Simple State
I tell you what. I'm getting personal.
Christian, Ra - Stay the hell out of my life, stay away from my house, away from my boyfriend and away from me.
Mike - Stay away from the afore mentioned, or you will be forcibly removed from my house.
Does no one understand that every time K is brought back into my life through stories and wasted friends, slippery accomplishments and perverted dusts, I have to relive it all.
I hate remembering that for a long few months I was off my tits on K trying not to remember how painful the situation was. That something sick had been done to me by someone who would walk free and could any day find me. Still could. And all anyone seems to do is rub it back in my face, oblivious.
So if you're close to me, stay the fuck away from K.
If you're on K, my dears, you're dead to me.
Christian, Ra - Stay the hell out of my life, stay away from my house, away from my boyfriend and away from me.
Mike - Stay away from the afore mentioned, or you will be forcibly removed from my house.
Does no one understand that every time K is brought back into my life through stories and wasted friends, slippery accomplishments and perverted dusts, I have to relive it all.
I hate remembering that for a long few months I was off my tits on K trying not to remember how painful the situation was. That something sick had been done to me by someone who would walk free and could any day find me. Still could. And all anyone seems to do is rub it back in my face, oblivious.
So if you're close to me, stay the fuck away from K.
If you're on K, my dears, you're dead to me.
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Keep Off The Roads
It's all the same, it's still fucked up.
Where have I been for the last two weeks? Well, drink your way to the bottom of a few litres of vodka and you too shall be illuminated. It's gotten to the stage (and taken a bow before curtain call) where sobriety is a non issue. If I'm not wasted, I'm not awake... And I don't have to worry about that much either. One thing that's really been affected is my energy, which is only the most obvious thing I could point and whine about. I miss kickboxing :( Who knows how hard it'll be to get into shape after this last binge.
Another morning where I wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with my nose pushed between mike's shoulder blades and overlapping thighs, wandering hands on soft, biteable hips. I don't know what it is that makes the warmth so irresistable, but I tell you, it's worth paying an extra £1.30 a day to come home for lunch and crawl back to bed. A whole hour of bliss is so worth that.
There's a new love in my life. It's got the inch on my old one. In fact, it's got about nine inches :D
T.V <3
Other than these blurry-eyed mumblings, everything's been so boringly average. I'm still a moody cunt with more moodswings than schizophrenic playground. Urgh. I'm so.. sleepy..
I need to move out. I need my own space. In space. I don't care where I live, just get me away from Jan because I'm five years overdue to be flying this nest. Also, part of me (probably the same part that wants to kick crying children in the face) wants her to see if being alone in this flat is really what she wants. After so much complaining, it would be nice to see her get fat and lazy and cease to exsist without me, her perfect child prodigy super ego bitch.
See? Wasn't that nasty? I can be mean too.
Where have I been for the last two weeks? Well, drink your way to the bottom of a few litres of vodka and you too shall be illuminated. It's gotten to the stage (and taken a bow before curtain call) where sobriety is a non issue. If I'm not wasted, I'm not awake... And I don't have to worry about that much either. One thing that's really been affected is my energy, which is only the most obvious thing I could point and whine about. I miss kickboxing :( Who knows how hard it'll be to get into shape after this last binge.
Another morning where I wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with my nose pushed between mike's shoulder blades and overlapping thighs, wandering hands on soft, biteable hips. I don't know what it is that makes the warmth so irresistable, but I tell you, it's worth paying an extra £1.30 a day to come home for lunch and crawl back to bed. A whole hour of bliss is so worth that.
There's a new love in my life. It's got the inch on my old one. In fact, it's got about nine inches :D
T.V <3
Other than these blurry-eyed mumblings, everything's been so boringly average. I'm still a moody cunt with more moodswings than schizophrenic playground. Urgh. I'm so.. sleepy..
I need to move out. I need my own space. In space. I don't care where I live, just get me away from Jan because I'm five years overdue to be flying this nest. Also, part of me (probably the same part that wants to kick crying children in the face) wants her to see if being alone in this flat is really what she wants. After so much complaining, it would be nice to see her get fat and lazy and cease to exsist without me, her perfect child prodigy super ego bitch.
See? Wasn't that nasty? I can be mean too.
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