Paranoid

I am paranoid.
It stops me from sleeping.

I am paranoid that I am fat. Every woman will say this, but not every woman will sneak away to eat food. I am paranoid that when I walk everyone turns to stare at my thighs. And that when I am seen from the side or lying down, my chins threefold. I am paranoid when I move my arms because I feel arm fat shake and I am paranoid that this is ugly.
This makes me cry.
I am paranoid that I am ugly. I am paranoid that because I am fat I am ugly, and that I have been getting fatter and hence uglier. I am paranoid that because I am ugly my friends will all leave me, and that some of them are choosing to already. I am paranoid every time I am not touched or held because of this ugliness. I am paranoid when I expose myself for attention and I am not recieved with adoration. I am paranoid that I will never look like the women that people want, in the movies, the pornos and the magazines. I am paranoid when you turn to sleep, and I am paranoid that this is because I am too ugly to be touched or kissed. I am paranoid that people cringe after they make physical contact with me, and some of them go and wash afterwards. And that I am undesired.
This makes me cry.
I am paranoid that I am useless. Everytime I cook, clean and fold that it is not enough to be noticed. I am paranoid that I will become invisible and my triumphs will dissipate. I am paranoid that my food will not forfill any expectations and will fall short of being passable, to be thrown in my face. I am paranoid that I cannot be perfect. That no one sees if and when I try.
This makes me cry.
I am paranoid that I am weak. And because I can admit my weaknesses I get only weaker. I am paranoid that crying is the ultimate defeat, and that I am not strong enough for human relations. I am paranoid that I will cry infront of people and when I do, I am paranoid that they will ask questions which have stupid answers. I am paranoid that people will find out I am paranoid and weak and I will be shamed only further.
And this makes me cry.
And now I am crying.
And I am still paranoid.