Nervous?

Do you ever feel something with such intensity that it actually scares you? Something that scares you so quickly that you can feel your follicle nerves twitch into gear, something that causes hot and cold sweats all at once. All this happening it a mere second or so and feeling for every split in that second like an eternity. A desire so strong you get a psysical pain, like you are falling, like the first time you got fucked real slow and sensual.
It's so easy to trigger the human mind. All it takes is one image, one sound. It could even be one colour, or an object in the room of a house somewhere on the other side of the world. Whatever it is, you know that it is your weakness and you try at all costs to avoid it. Yet, true enough to human nature, you know you are perversely drawn to it all the same- because what's life if you can't test yourself or work yourself up into a frenetic state. Superman had Kryptonite, right?

Well, since you're all welcome into my mind (blogging automatically rolls out the red carpet for you, leading straight to my limbic system) I'll tell you all a little secret. I absolutely cannot look at pictures of self injury. There's something insatiable about being so utterly fixed to the spot in fear, sweating and trembling to the point of tears as screen after screen of images appears. In a matter of seconds I am completely overcome with an icy desire to destroy every part of my body, to feel pain and see blood and fat, to sit in a bath and bleed and sting all over, completely covered from the shoulders to the ankles in varying sized cuts. Of course, I more than go out of my way to avoid seeing any such pictures but they do seem to cross my path an awful lot more than I'd care for.
I am totally powerless to remove this emotion. Even sitting here blogging it out is to no avail whatsoever. It doesn't help that I was positively in the foulest mood this morning and getting back into my dark room was all that I could do to stop from really losing the plot. Now, to have been triggered into this state I am frustrated. I do have the option of simply obeying my desire. Obviously I do. But I have no intention of hurting the only person I love. And so I am stuck here. If I were of the Christian persuasion I would say this is very much Hell. As it stands, I am not and I find it more of a limbo state to use the term loosely. I am stuck between absolute bliss and calm, and total self-annihilation.

This song is sexy.