Just

What a hectic month...

I've been pregnant, miscarried and have a birthday to "enjoy". I'm turning 20. No more teenage angst, just plain, slow and flat depression :D

I'm fucking exhausted.

Oh melancholy me.

Erm

                       For the past week my boyfriend has been like this

and my cat has been like this

Weed does strange things to people

(and cats)

Olanzapine Dreamers Are All Secret Schemers.

I was looking for you,
Lonely.
Stuck between the ceiling
And the cellar door.
Conflated emotions
And deflated notions of
What would be in store.
For my prince among thieves
Will go where e'er his heart takes him
Foolish boy-
He believes in his
Redolent dreams.
I called out for you,
Lonely
Underneath my umbrella.
Almost begging for the rain
To bring something more.
Myriad droplets fell, gentle
As tears go.
Unraveling me to the core.
And my naked boy wonder
Was far from my calling,
Heard the rain
And nothing more.




RHYME LESS RHYME LESS WHY DO I WRITE LIKE A CHILD THE CAT SAT ON THE FUCKING MAT AND GOT SO FAT WE.... ATE IT. YUM.

Dizzy Fizzy Fluffy Love

I love you, I do. It was a dizzy, fizzy, fluffy love. It ate me whole. Time happened, and now everything has changed, but I still love you. When you ask me at night or tomorrow or in thirty seven years I will still love you. You can ask me in a starlit field or a Camden toilet and my answer will never change. Love tastes like chili chocolate, salty crispy fries and the taste of your mouth. Warm, comforting, perfect.

I know I act strange.


Try very hard to believe me.

Glow in, Blood out.

Tell me all your secrets. Kiss me when it's dark. Do not turn the light on to find your way out.
Send more backup. Make sure I can breathe. Use butterfly stitches.
Spread like a disease between a hooker's legs. Turn the volume up to eleven.
Speak in tongues. Speak without your tongue. Hushed whispers.
Silence.

Ignore this.

I don't really know where I'm going with this one. I wrote it and all the beautiful words are being mocked by my total incapability to not rhyme. It sounds like a fucking children's song. But I'm sure I can take it and re-write it, so I shall put the words here for safekeeping.




A night of virgin solitude
Abetted by some pain
With interlocking interludes
Of tears.
It starts to rain.
I watch the droplets streak
Because they don't watch back
And sing a song that has no words.
The window starts to
Crack.
One night of sultry solitude
Stays hidden from the sun,
Amidst frenetic symphonies
The darkness
Comes undone.



Aaaand that's all I have. I tried to draw something today. It went in the bin. It was terrible.

Everything sucks at the moment :(

These dreams are a nightmare

We kiss, cold skin and warm tears. I try to convince myself that you will never let go. Soft eyes. I wear your lips against my sin, nerves waging a war of static and dormant breath.

... left me somewhat disconnected
almost broken, always running
            never free ...

Your daily charm disarming my emergency alarm setting
Sun's aching, day breaking over me
spilled sunshine into all the pores
said she adores the heat
And once more kisses
so sweet.

Green eyes. Speckled with amber and slight licks of chestnut. Beautiful. I want to cut them out and keep them and never have to share.

Overwhelmed at my death. Underwhelmed by my life.