Bitch, where'd you think you're going?!?
I think I have fallen in love, she says as the last can rolls underneath the TV. No one really understands, as her eyes blur tears and her heart sinks solid, that she cannot possibly explain this bizarre drugless emotion that still feels like the best fix she's never paid for. She slumps over the stove with pots a'boiling, tins empty and torn skin from amalgamated vegetables scattering the work surface. Alone, she can recall a time when she heard the counter being called a work surface and understood, beneath those big brown eyes, that the kitchen was a place of work. This was a room of dedication from birth until death. She decided then that this room was her haven with her mother, tiny fat toes on a kitchen chair balanced, knife in hand, all her own. She learned of the differing ways of slicing vegetables. That hot was steam and fire and pans left on a high heat, cold was wet fingers and tongues stuck to ice cubes and frozen fish.
Her life flashes before her eyes. She remembers her roots, then remembers her shame.
She recalls the time she was four and could not make it from the garden to the bathroom in time. She recalls the most inappropriate thing she said aged six, straight to her mother in front of her schizophrenic uncle. She recalls falling dressed as a candy bar and how safe it was to hide within that stupid paper bag and cry in front of forty or so people, no one could see. She recalls every lie, every embarrassing and perverted thing she has done and hides her face.
Suddenly she is older, no longer climbing up hills but in her room listening to her first metal album and swigging beer, cigarette in hand. She is her first lighter burn and her first shard of glass. She is well beyond her first period. Everything is encrusted is anguish and she cannot comprehend why or what.
Everything become overdoses, bottles of spirit and bleeding limbs. It is alot of lost friends. She can't decide between being and bleeding.
She is seventeen. She grows suddenly into a real person, an adult of strange proportions and strange propositions.
She decides everything will be ok.
