Baciel

Well, the alcohol is gone. I could probably knock back another bottle, but to be honest I'm glad there's no more present. Random topic of conversation time. I piiiick..... relapse.

There are so many ways to relapse, aren't there? Relapses into habits, personalities, tastes, beliefs. You can relapse into an addiction, a way of thinking or a favoured music style, but it is not always such a bad thing. Myself, I have relapsed into comfort eating, bad ways of thinking, introversion, alcoholism and to an extent- self injury. As a result I am 9 lb heavier and easy to offend. However, I have also relapsed into genuine laughter, honesty, fear and trust. Which of these make me weaker I will never fully know, only that I feel much more grounded for the emotion I now allow myself to feel. Have you ever heard the word relapse in relation to events which aren't negative? I beleive we should all be allowed to relapse for better or worse, to make sure we are alive and to ensure we do not forget who we are and who we were, because in effect who were were and who we are and who we will be are all part of the same gigantuous entity.

In other news, if by Friday my little K-Flex is still not eating I will have her put down.. permitting she doesn't rapidly deteriorate before this. Her weight is continuing to drop, her hind legs are worsening by the day and now her internal brain gyroscope (to put it simply) is fucked. She lacks balance and I'm pretty sure she is developing a cataract. She also has the shits like nothing I've ever seen and it really doesn't smell pretty, which is unusual for a rat as their feces normally do not have much scent. The tip of her tail is flat, which cannot be good. She's fading fast. It's a moral dichotomy- to put down the rat and end suffering, or to allow them to live out the life they have left until they show more signs of pain or reach their final moments.

I'm not going to have a finished coursework for either subject.

Why do I procrastinate...?