Dissections, Dissapointments..

I cut the end off my finger yesterday. but you all know that now. It hurts. Meh.

I have been mostly disappointed by Mike this week. He has twice told me we'd go out only to sleep through. He slept when I went out with Christian, and I wanted him there. He slept when I went to hospital, and I needed him so much. He fake made out with Alex, which in the context of things is understandable and crushing in the same moment. But I love him, maybe he'll come around.

Also, K-Flex has been put down.

So all in all, I'm pretty much depressed.

Baciel

Well, the alcohol is gone. I could probably knock back another bottle, but to be honest I'm glad there's no more present. Random topic of conversation time. I piiiick..... relapse.

There are so many ways to relapse, aren't there? Relapses into habits, personalities, tastes, beliefs. You can relapse into an addiction, a way of thinking or a favoured music style, but it is not always such a bad thing. Myself, I have relapsed into comfort eating, bad ways of thinking, introversion, alcoholism and to an extent- self injury. As a result I am 9 lb heavier and easy to offend. However, I have also relapsed into genuine laughter, honesty, fear and trust. Which of these make me weaker I will never fully know, only that I feel much more grounded for the emotion I now allow myself to feel. Have you ever heard the word relapse in relation to events which aren't negative? I beleive we should all be allowed to relapse for better or worse, to make sure we are alive and to ensure we do not forget who we are and who we were, because in effect who were were and who we are and who we will be are all part of the same gigantuous entity.

In other news, if by Friday my little K-Flex is still not eating I will have her put down.. permitting she doesn't rapidly deteriorate before this. Her weight is continuing to drop, her hind legs are worsening by the day and now her internal brain gyroscope (to put it simply) is fucked. She lacks balance and I'm pretty sure she is developing a cataract. She also has the shits like nothing I've ever seen and it really doesn't smell pretty, which is unusual for a rat as their feces normally do not have much scent. The tip of her tail is flat, which cannot be good. She's fading fast. It's a moral dichotomy- to put down the rat and end suffering, or to allow them to live out the life they have left until they show more signs of pain or reach their final moments.

I'm not going to have a finished coursework for either subject.

Why do I procrastinate...?

Vexed

-_- Tell me we're going to go out for three days once you get your day off, then tell me to wake you up after a nap, then another 45 minutes, then another hour, then roll over and grouch at me for waking you when you asked. Then I give up. Then tell me to turn down music at 4.20pm in my own room. And go back to sleep.

A Very Michael Post

Because I can. Because he thought I was having second thoughts about him. Because I'm too self absorbed to remind him how much I love him every day.

It's in the way you look into my eyes with such unspeakable tenderness, and the way you kiss the back of my neck gently.
It's how incredibly handsome I think you are, and stroking your spine.
It's our first rather drunken kiss, and getting you so wasted on Raki.
Taking me out for a bit of fun drinking in the sunset and a movie, the first time when I needed it most- and how stylishly I stuck toilet paper to myself -_-.
The fright and hurting, the soullessness I felt before you were in my life, and how you alone offered friendship.
It is the fire in your back yard, meeting Helen and Kyle, and drinking your mother's wine supply.
It's whatever godforsaken time you had to crawl through your window and sneak me in quietly.
It's locking you out a hundred times when I've fallen asleep, and how it brings me to tears that I did every time.
How delicious your skin and shirts smell all the time.
How gentle you are with my rats.
It is because no matter how mad I make you, you still cuddle me even though I probably don't deserve it.
It's hearing you talk about the future that fills me with warmth because I feel so safe and secure with you as my partner.. being in your arms.
It's because you're the only person who gives me the tummy-in-an-elevator feeling, and butterflies.
It's the rare nights you fall asleep naked.
It is your voice of cold reason and logic, talking actual sense into this ditzy girl.
It's all these little electric shocks, jolts of life that course through me now because I'm so happy.
It is, after all, when I really think about how it feels to be loved that the intensity of my happiness overwhelms me.


I love you.

More of nothing, sometimes of something

It's ten to nine in the AM, and I already feel like descending into something self mutilating and messy. This is worth blogging about for the sheer fact that I have been strong since my first date with Michael *blushblush* (and because I have a full pint glass of white wine). I'm going to write a post to keep my mind off it. Bear with me. *BEARRAWR*
Oh my gods- the fart I just created (and there's another) smells like rotting baby skunk flesh. The follow-ups aren't as potent which leads to me to start leaning into the gas I have just expelled (and inhaling) to check if I truley am the GOD of GAS. I am not. I am fully prepared to give that title to Mike... my brother may yet take the throne and I'm sure he remembers why he doesn't tickle me anymore.
On the topic, I really do love my big brother, and Sofa you'll agree, they are integral parts of growing up aren't they? Maybe it's selective memory, but I don't remember my brother ever being particularly unkind to me- sure, he held me upside-down by my ankles but I thought it was so much fun to playfight with him. I remembered whilst on the bog yesterday something that I do occasionally find myself remembering- I was about four years old, and walking by my father's old slate house by the fields with Dan, Jan, and the pricklefuck of a father (maybe we got off on the wrong foot LOL), and peeling an orange. I said 'I don't like the pith' and was told NEVER EVER to repeat what I just said by my father. Misheard much? But my big brother told me not to worry and that he hadn't understood, and we walked behind him, and then I felt better. And he let me play his Sonic games, and finished food when I didn't like it if no one was looking, and he'd drop everything in an instant if I need him. I guess I don't tell him enough that he's super awsome :D Even if we can't express emotions properly :P
...

I hate lists. So I'm making one.

Random Things About Me That I Never Noticed Until They Were Pointed Out


I always pull the ringpull off a can
I like to unwrap things
I click my knuckles when I'm annoyed or upset
I chew my lip when I'm sleepy
I leave words and sketches all over people's stuff
I gaze in a certain direction when -
)I'm having or hearing conversations entirely within my mind
)I'm thinking about Michael
)I'm remembering something sad
)I'm trying to backtrack what I said

I take sandwiches apart and eat the component parts separately
I am sometimes caught counting grains of rice/pasta pieces/sugar granules
I find beer a highly acceptable breakfast
I am more of a romantic gentleman than a well-spoilt woman
I get uncomfortable when things are too tidy
I should hold my tongue less
I put Marmite on toast in a certain curly 'Z' pattern
My eyes light up when I have Mike and zoot in my bath, when I get alcohol, and when I find treasure in the cupboards - shells, crystals, candy, foreign pennies, rollies and knickers are all accepted as treasure.
I love and value all my friends even when I think I don't

Scattered Splatterings of Spluttered Bloodspit

I'm going crazy. Or at least, I sound like I am. If I could explain it then I guess you'd laugh, dismiss me. Hell, I would.  There's no rational way to put to words what's going on and it's something I don't understand, nor can control.. but sooner or later, I'm going to need some help.

I'm cooking another roast. The house is empty. I need a drink. I wish there was another day in the week.

I'm worried.