Baby, I Love You (butnotwhenyou'reongear)

There have been 100 days
of "I love you"'s
But today, you see me.
How can you see the
Unseen pathways that
Lead you back to me.
You cannot see. All the times you've
Looked through me.
I existed as a fragment of a double life of lies
But today, you see me.
You say a man don't make you whole
But
I gave half to you,
To look after. To
Look
After.
And it took so many tears of days to
Bring you back to me.
Mr Clueless ran the world but
None of you could be
The man that came, to set me free.
I see,
I see you. And now,
After a fucking eternity,
My god!
My love.
My life on the line.
You have
Come back
To me.

Doubts

Sometimes I shut my eyes. The sun comes shining in through my eyelids, and the trees are swaying, and all is love. Soft grass. Skin on skin, a thousand kisses, I can cope, baby, I can do anything. God, I love those days.
But then there's blankness. Going through the motions. Sick self affirmation. And I crumble. I can't cope. I can't do this any more. This is not what I signed up for. I have to get off the ride NOW.

You don't abandon someone who's drowning, but you can't untie the weights without drowning too.

Sensory

And I swear that I
Don't have a gun.


London. Cornwall. Coming and going. Appointments. Deadlines. Back in my cage. Fleeting kisses. I love you all.

Call me. Write me a letter.

Just don't forget, I have no address.



Skin poppies.

Respiratory failure.

C-C-C-Coma.

I love food!

I just don't want to eat it.

It Rained All Day....

.... but then you came home. I got to forget that everything was awful. And I was taking care f you. Cooking and cleaning and trying to be the best bits of myself I could be. And in return you were just yourself. And that's ok by me. I love you.

And you can tell me anything. ANYTHING.


And I won't run and hide from the truth.




We're together. We're in this together. Life, love and utter mouthfuls of balls.



I love you.


I love you but I can actually say it, and mean it, and I get a bit fuzzy and like wooooooohaaaah.


I don't know how you put up with me.

And all this
shit
I'm pulling.


But thank you so so much.I will always be grateful.


And you ass looks damn fine.

Doctor, doctor, I think I need a tablet.

Can someone explain how this works? Do I have to actually kill myself before the NHS start giving a fuck? About anything? I must look fine, feel fine, functioning.Tell me, doctor, why didn't you ask about the rape? Is it ok to fuck me around asking about that BITCH THAT WON'T GET THE FUCK OUT of my head, like that's less painful? like what the fuck do you think? I got raped, Alyson re-appeared but now she's not a game she's a FUCKING SEPARATE PART OF ME, she's some kind of coping mechanism, a psychophysical manifestation, I didn't put her there you stupid cunts, she just fucking turned up. Oh he may have put his dick in me but he didn't get a finger into her. There. I did your job for you. I'll have an hour's pay please. And a fucking psychiatric head fix. Or just give me my motherfucking olanzapine and let me drift into the realms of sweet blank nothing.
And even I can see that my throat is going to get infected. Naproxen is not some fix-all pill for all pains and ailments. I'll probably just end up overdosing on anti-inflammatories. Yeah YEAH motherfucking HARDCORE. Toxic, but not necessarily fatal. Combine with alcohol and olanzapine for maximum effect, unconsciousness, vomiting, comaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and death. LOL. El Oh El. Oh lawdy. this


post    is


disintegrating into


MADNESS





............. again.

I have not gone mad.

I've got all three sets of scales lines up and each one reads fucking different. WELL WHAT IS IT SCALES?? Am I 8 stone 5, 8 stone 7, or 8 stone 11? God it's driving me fucking mad and pigged out yesterday and  I wanna go use the fucking scales at the GP but it's Sunday and the GP is shut and now I don't know how to budget my calories can you tell I'm a little bit fucking stressed. I ate a bag of crisps before I was even properly awake and now I'm chugging cold black coffee to try and flush out EVERYTHING and get the excess water weight off too and be tiny tiny TINY AND PERFECT and look how I feel, I just
I just want to look how I feel :(
I just need to lose a few more pounds
And see those pretty pretty hip bones god yes hip bones please please I miss you come back
just
want to stop my hair falling out
need supplements
I can live on vitamins and fibre-sure, and supplements
I need
to stop throwing up
trembling a little bit but its ok and when it hurts and when it burns it feels like motherfucking victory and I'm a cocaine goddess WINNING but
drugless
but you're a drug
and I just
need to lose                                      a few more pounds.
I like 110, but 109 would be heaven. God. If I could make those fucking scales read under 8 stone. I would cry, and smile. and I would be ok. everything would be ok then.

push push down you go BMI we are not friends yet but when you lose a bit and sit there at 17.9 yes yes we we will be so much better and they will all see that its ok and it worked out for the best just
need to stop
and breathe
tremors
let me know
I'm alive
but dying